Treating children equally

The clocks went back an hour over the weekend which signifies the approaching of winter. It is often a depressing time, with many of us leaving for work when it is dark and arriving back home in darkness too, but from an Islamic point of view it is a great opportunity. The scholars have recommended us to take advantage of the shorter days by fasting, and the longer nights by praying. Truly it is the mark of a believer that they see the benefit in things where others see faults. It is this optimistic quality that allows us to deal with whatever we are faced with.

I was in Spain over the weekend to attend a retreat, and on the way back, I was driving a hired car, with my friends, back to the airport. Out of the blue I got an excruciating pain in my right shin, so much so that I had to pull over and jump out of the driver's seat to stretch my leg. My friend jumped in the driving seat and within 10 seconds of him doing so, a police car pulled up and asked us all to get out of the car. They then checked my friends driving licence and our car hire papers, and after a couple of minutes of staring us down, and me pointing at the car and saying "aeropuerto malaga" they let us go. We could tell they wanted to find something on us but couldn't, so we were on our way. As we drove off, I suddenly remembered that of the four of us in the car, I was the only one who didn't bring his driving licence, had I not had the pain in my shin, I would've continued to drive and who knows what would have happened? As you can imagine, the pain wasn't pleasant at the time in my shin, but ultimately there was benefit in it, that we could not have imagined... Gracias!


Treating Children Equally

Al-Nu`mân b. Bashîr once addressed the people from the pulpit and told them about what took place between the Prophet and his father, saying: My father gave him a gift. Then my mother, `Amrah bint Rawâhah, said: “I will not be satisfied until Allah’s Messenger (pbuh) is a witness to it.”

So my father went to Allah’s Messenger and said: “I gave a gift to my son from `Amrah bint Rawâhah, and she told me to have you be a witness to it, O Messenger of Allah.”

The Prophet (pbuh) asked: “Did you give your other children something similar?” He replied that he had not. So the Prophet (pbuh) said: “Fear Allah, and be just between your children.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (2587) and Sahîh Muslim (1623)]

Islam teaches us the principle of treating our children with justice, and treating children justly usually means treating them equally. We see this clearly in the hadîth cited above. The Prophet (pbuh) declared the father to be unjust, because he gave one child a gift without giving an equal gift to the others. In this case, treating the children unequally was the same as treating them unjustly.

But does justice always mean equality? This is an important question, since it is essential for us as Muslim parents to understand what justice between our children entails. We know the matter of justice is serious in our religion, because the Prophet (pbuh) told the father to "Fear Allah". This is a strong rebuke to the father on account of his conduct. Such a strong rebuke shows us that being unjust in our dealings with our children is a serious sin.

Consider the consequences when we favor some of our children over others. It creates hatred and resentment between siblings where love should be. It makes them envious. It ca also make the child who is treated less favorably to suffer from self-doubt and low confidence.

The Pious Predecessors exercised great care and vigilance to be fair to their children. They tried to be equal in how often they paid attention to each child, how often the played with them, spoke with them, even how often they smiled or looked at them. They only made exception when they had to show anger or disapproval to a child for some wrongdoing, and then they did this with fairness in order to correct that child for that particular misdeed, and that with the intention to develop the child's character.

The Qur'ân gives us a good example, in the story of Joseph, of a family where some children felt that one brother was more loved and more favored by their father. They went so far as to plot to kill him. In the end, they tossed him into a well in the chance that a passing caravan would take him away.

Therefore, as fathers and mothers, we should always show equal love for our children. Being equal in material things, like clothing, gifts and treats is certainly very important part of it, but it is not the whole story. It is also crucial to make sure not to show favoritism in the time and attention that we give to any one of them. We should make sure that our children feel that they are equally loved and esteemed.

An important part of this, however, is to recognize that each of our children is a unique individual, with his or her own particular set of needs, talents, and interests. Therefore, when we should show our love equally to each of our sons and daughters, we should do so in a manner that responds to the unique needs of each. What is best for a small child may not be appropriate for an older child. Likewise, what will interest, please, or benefit one child will not be the same for another.

This is where justice and equality do not mean exactly the same thing. There are times and ways in which we will have to treat our children differently. There are three factors that need to be taken into careful consideration:

1. Children have different emotional constitutions.
Some children have a greater need for affection, while others have a greater need for praise or reassurance. There are children who must be taught things with more care and thoroughness and others who want to be included in decisions. True justice entails giving each child what he or she is in need of.

If a parent gives the same exact gift or treatment to each, some children will be favored by it while others will be disfavored. The parent may believe he or she is being just through such dogmatic equality, but he or she is really favoring the child who actually wants the gift or actually benefits by the particular kind of attention being given. The other children lose out. The unwitting parent might be bewildered to see that most of the children are resentful and spiteful, in spite of the parent's best efforts to be equal and fair.

2. Since each child is a unique individual, each will behave differently towards his or her parents. It is unavoidable for parents to feel differently about their children on account of how their children treat them. Sometimes, a child's behavior warrants special treatment. A child who shows extra respect and good behavior to his parents will be acknowledged and rewarded for doing so in the way that child's parents respond to the good behavior. This may actually be an unwitting response of the part of the parents, but it is a natural one.

3. Sometimes, a child's circumstances demand some form of special treatment. Obviously, a small child needs more direct care and attention than an older one. Also, a child who excels in his or her studies needs to be shown special regard for doing so. A child who is religious and morally upright should be shown respect for it. A child who has a disability should be shown the extra care, affection, ad support that dealing with the disability requires. With grown children, one who is poor or facing unfortunate circumstances can be given the help that he or she needs.

In all cases, however, the essence of justice must always be upheld. Though our hearts have a tendency to love one child more than another and to favor some of our children at times over others, we should do what is in our power to be just between them.

Though this is certainly complicated by the fact that just treatment is not always the same as equal treatment, we must to the best of our abilities and knowledge strive to be fair and to show equal love. And May Allah forgive us for whatever unwitting mistakes we might make.

And Allah Knows Best